Saturday 22 February 2020

The Etiquette of Friendship

Recently, one of our friends’ father-in-law passed away. Our teacher advised us to attend the jenazah prayer and said that it’s a good time to teach our children on the rights of friends. Just like how our parents, spouse, children, teachers and neighbours have rights over us, so too do our friends. And so I thought it’s a good time to look up my book, The Beginning of Guidance, by Imam Al Ghazali. 


In the last part of the book, on The Etiquette of Companionship with The Creator and with Creation, there’s a section on the etiquette with friends and brothers and the etiquette of friendship. And below I summarised the section:

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Before entering into such a relationship, you must do two things:

The First Duty

To check for the presence of the requisite qualities of companionship and friendship; for you should not take as a brother one who is not fit for brotherhood.

The Messenger of Allah ‎ﷺ said, “A person’s religious life is only as good as that of his friend, so let each one of you consider well whom he befriends.”

If you seek a companion to be your partner in learning and your friend in the matters of your religious life and your worldly life, look for five qualities in him:

1. Intellect
There is no good in friendship with a foolish person, for such friendship will only end in estrangement and breaking off relations. This person may even harm you while intending to bring you benefit. 

2. Good character
Do not be friends with a person of bad character - that is, someone who cannot restrain his anger or control his desire.

3. Uprightness
Do not befriend a wrongdoer who persists in committing a major transgression, because someone who fears Allah ﷻ would not persist in committing major transgressions.

4. Absence of greed
Do not befriend a person who is greedy for this temporal world. Friendship with someone who is greedy for this world is a lethal poison, for human nature is designed to imitate and follow.

5. Honesty
Do not befriend a liar, for you will always face deception from him.

[Please refer to the book for more on the five qualities]

You may not find all these five qualities existing together in a person so you have one of two choices: either opt for isolation and solitude, in which you will find peace and safety, or keep your interaction with your friends proportionate to the level of these qualities within them. 

This is accomplished by realising that brethren are of three types:
• A brother for the sake of your Hereafter
• A brother for the sake of your worldly life
• A brother who is simply agreeable company 

There are three kinds of people:
• The first is like nourishment: one cannot exist without it
• The second is like medicine: one needs it from time to time
• The third is like an illness: it is never needed at all, yet the servant may be afflicted by it. Such people provide neither benefit nor agreeable company

The Second Duty

To respect and fulfill the rights of companionship. Once friendship is established between you and your companion, you are responsible for fulfilling the duties demanded by that bond of friendship. 

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “The likeness of two brothers is that of two hands: one washes the other.” He once entered a thick grove of trees and picked up two toothsticks, one bent and the other straight. The Prophet ﷺ gave the straight twig to his companion and kept the bent one for himself. The companion said, “O Messenger of Allah, you are more deserving of the straight stick than I!” So he ﷺ said, “No one spends time in the company of a friend, even for a short time in the day, without being questioned [later] about his companionship - regarding whether he has fulfilled the right of Allah Most High in it, or neglected to do so.”

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ also said, “No two friends share each other’s company, except that the kinder and more caring of the two toward the other is more beloved to Allah, Mighty and Majestic.”

The etiquette of friendship are:
• to give your friend preference in your wealth, or, if you cannot do this, to give freely out of your surplus wealth when he is in need
• to provide swift assistance when he is in need, in person and without his having to request it
• to keep his secrets
• to conceal his faults 
• not to pass on other people’s criticism of him that would upset him
• to pass on people’s praise of him that would please him
• to pay full attention when he speaks
• not to pick apart his words in argumentation 
• to call him by names he likes most
• to praise him for what you know of his praiseworthy traits
• to thank him for the favours he does for you 
• to defend him in his absence from all infringements upon his honour as you would defend yourself 
• to give him advice with gentleness and by subtle hints if he needs it
• to pardon his slips and errors, and not to censure him
• to pray for him in the ritual prayer, during his life and after his death
• to remain loyal to his family and relatives after his death
• to choose to make things easy for him by not burdening him with any of your own needs, so as to keep his heart free from your concerns
• to express joy at all the happy occasions in his life and sadness at all calamities that afflict him
• to be in your innermost heart just as you appear outwardly, so that you are truly sincere in your love for him
• to be the one who initiated the greeting of peace when you meet him
• to make room for him to sit in a gathering
• to come out of the house to welcome him
• to see him off when he leaves
• to keep quiet while he is talking until he finished, and to refrain from interrupting him

In short you should treat your friend exactly as you would like to be treated. For truly, the brotherhood of a person who does not love for his brother what he loves for himself is mere hypocrisy and will have evil consequences for him both in this world and the Hereafter.

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MasyaAllah. Have I given my friends their due rights? And we have not even gone on to the rights of our teachers, parents, spouse and so on. May Allah ﷻ help us and grant us taufeeq! And if I’ve not given you your rights as my friend, please forgive me 😢

After this long section, Imam Al Ghazali went on to an equally long section on acquaintances, which I guess describes most of our friends and followers on social media. And what he wrote in that section was rather chilling and it made me further decide that I should stay away more and divulge less of my personal life on social media. Below, I’ll include a short introduction to the section on acquaintances.

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The third category is that of acquaintances. Be cautious of them, because you will not encounter antagonism except from people you are acquainted with. A true friend will help you, and someone you do not know at all will not trouble you. All the animosity you encounter, then, will come from your acquaintances, who express their friendship only with their tongues. You should therefore limit your acquaintances as much as possible. 

Monday 17 February 2020

Dahlia Dreams

I’ve been wanting to go to the Flower Dome for a few weeks but hubby said that it wasn’t the wisest thing to do. Since the outbreak of Covid 19, more people have been staying home and away from places of interest. And so I thought - the more I should visit those places! Just as I had guessed, the Flower Dome and Cloud Forest were relatively empty. We were probably the few Singaporeans around! There were still some tourists but totally unlike the usual crowd. I didn’t have to jostle for space to get decent pictures! 

So finally, we got our chance to see the flowers and displays at Dahlia Dreams. Looking at the gorgeous blooms was a reminder for me as to how Perfect and Magnificent our Lord is. If not, how could He have created and designed such beautiful flowers with perfectly-ordered petals? SubhanAllah. 

One of my Teachers said, “Observe the creation of Allah ﷻ. The mushaf is the Quran that speaks to us (to be read regularly). Rasulullah ‎ﷺ is the walking/living Quran (learn from his mannerism, guidance etc). Nature is the silent Quran (look at nature and read it). Nature resonates with the knowledge of Allah ﷻ.”

القرآن قرآن ناطق
الرسول ﷺ قرآن ماش
العالم قرآن صامت

















Since the crowd was manageable, I thought we might as well head to Cloud Forest. It’s been ages! When we entered, we were greeted by the really cool air in the observatory, plus the waterfall! For a few minutes, we had the waterfall to ourselves and that has never happened since the opening of Cloud Forest. Goes to show how much emptier the place was. 


We entered at the exact time when the mist started throughout Cloud Forest and it was surreal. I was enthralled by the fairy-tale feeling of the place while the girls were just excited to wet their hands with the mist. 




We loved everything and I would have taken more pictures if I had remembered to fully charge my phone before heading to Gardens by the Bay. But I had not so I could only take a few. That just meant that we would have to go there again soon inshaa Allah. 

For urbanites like me, running to a man-made forest or artificial garden is a little respite from the urban jungle that we live in. Never mind that it’s an unnatural environment. But it’s essence, the very plants that grow there, are natural. And being amongst them brings joy to my soul, as it reminds me of times when we had hiked through real forests filled with ferns or giant redwoods that were thousands of years old. Or the times we had stood in actual fields filled with flowers or stood by rivers filled with gushing waters. 

The soul always remembers such beauty of nature, because it reminds the soul of the time when it was in the presence of The Owner of Beauty, Allah ﷻ. And till the time comes again, the soul will continuously be missing and searching, and wayfaring its way back to its Lord, the Lord of the Worlds. 

And may our return to Him be a beautiful one. Aameen.