The Etiquette of Friendship

Recently, one of our friends’ father-in-law passed away. Our teacher advised us to attend the jenazah prayer and said that it’s a good time to teach our children on the rights of friends. Just like how our parents, spouse, children, teachers and neighbours have rights over us, so too do our friends. And so I thought it’s a good time to look up my book, The Beginning of Guidance, by Imam Al Ghazali. 

In the last part of the book, on The Etiquette of Companionship with The Creator and with Creation, there’s a section on the etiquette with friends and brothers and the etiquette of friendship. And below I summarised the section:

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Before entering into such a relationship, you must do two things:

The First Duty

To check for the presence of the requisite qualities of companionship and friendship; for you should not take as a brother one who is not fit for brotherhood.

The Messenger of Allah ‎ﷺ said, “A person’s religious life is only as good as that of his friend, so let each one of you consider well whom he befriends.”

If you seek a companion to be your partner in learning and your friend in the matters of your religious life and your worldly life, look for five qualities in him:

1. Intellect

There is no good in friendship with a foolish person, for such friendship will only end in estrangement and breaking off relations. This person may even harm you while intending to bring you benefit. 

2. Good character

Do not be friends with a person of bad character - that is, someone who cannot restrain his anger or control his desire.

3. Uprightness

Do not befriend a wrongdoer who persists in committing a major transgression, because someone who fears Allah ﷻ would not persist in committing major transgressions.

4. Absence of greed

Do not befriend a person who is greedy for this temporal world. Friendship with someone who is greedy for this world is a lethal poison, for human nature is designed to imitate and follow.

5. Honesty

Do not befriend a liar, for you will always face deception from him.

[Please refer to the book for more on the five qualities]

You may not find all these five qualities existing together in a person so you have one of two choices: either opt for isolation and solitude, in which you will find peace and safety, or keep your interaction with your friends proportionate to the level of these qualities within them. 

This is accomplished by realising that brethren are of three types:

• A brother for the sake of your Hereafter

• A brother for the sake of your worldly life

• A brother who is simply agreeable company 

There are three kinds of people:

• The first is like nourishment: one cannot exist without it

• The second is like medicine: one needs it from time to time

• The third is like an illness: it is never needed at all, yet the servant may be afflicted by it. Such people provide neither benefit nor agreeable company

The Second Duty

To respect and fulfill the rights of companionship. Once friendship is established between you and your companion, you are responsible for fulfilling the duties demanded by that bond of friendship. 

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “The likeness of two brothers is that of two hands: one washes the other.” He once entered a thick grove of trees and picked up two toothsticks, one bent and the other straight. The Prophet ﷺ gave the straight twig to his companion and kept the bent one for himself. The companion said, “O Messenger of Allah, you are more deserving of the straight stick than I!” So he ﷺ said, “No one spends time in the company of a friend, even for a short time in the day, without being questioned [later] about his companionship - regarding whether he has fulfilled the right of Allah Most High in it, or neglected to do so.”

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ also said, “No two friends share each other’s company, except that the kinder and more caring of the two toward the other is more beloved to Allah, Mighty and Majestic.”

The etiquette of friendship are:
• to give your friend preference in your wealth, or, if you cannot do this, to give freely out of your surplus wealth when he is in need
• to provide swift assistance when he is in need, in person and without his having to request it
• to keep his secrets
• to conceal his faults 
• not to pass on other people’s criticism of him that would upset him
• to pass on people’s praise of him that would please him
• to pay full attention when he speaks
• not to pick apart his words in argumentation 
• to call him by names he likes most
• to praise him for what you know of his praiseworthy traits
• to thank him for the favours he does for you 
• to defend him in his absence from all infringements upon his honour as you would defend yourself 
• to give him advice with gentleness and by subtle hints if he needs it
• to pardon his slips and errors, and not to censure him
• to pray for him in the ritual prayer, during his life and after his death
• to remain loyal to his family and relatives after his death
• to choose to make things easy for him by not burdening him with any of your own needs, so as to keep his heart free from your concerns
• to express joy at all the happy occasions in his life and sadness at all calamities that afflict him
• to be in your innermost heart just as you appear outwardly, so that you are truly sincere in your love for him
• to be the one who initiated the greeting of peace when you meet him
• to make room for him to sit in a gathering
• to come out of the house to welcome him
• to see him off when he leaves
• to keep quiet while he is talking until he finished, and to refrain from interrupting him

In short you should treat your friend exactly as you would like to be treated. For truly, the brotherhood of a person who does not love for his brother what he loves for himself is mere hypocrisy and will have evil consequences for him both in this world and the Hereafter.

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MasyaAllah. Have I given my friends their due rights? And we have not even gone on to the rights of our teachers, parents, spouse and so on. May Allah ﷻ help us and grant us taufeeq! And if I’ve not given you your rights as my friend, please forgive me 😢

After this long section, Imam Al Ghazali went on to an equally long section on acquaintances, which I guess describes most of our friends and followers on social media. And what he wrote in that section was rather chilling and it made me further decide that I should stay away more and divulge less of my personal life on social media. Below, I’ll include a short introduction to the section on acquaintances.

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The third category is that of acquaintances. Be cautious of them, because you will not encounter antagonism except from people you are acquainted with. A true friend will help you, and someone you do not know at all will not trouble you. All the animosity you encounter, then, will come from your acquaintances, who express their friendship only with their tongues. You should therefore limit your acquaintances as much as possible.